Inside Comments by Steve Turcotte

Fights on the course: Some idiots can’t control themselves

Those of you who know me know that I can mix it up with smart asses anywhere, anytime. Even on the golf course. And that has always been for fun. I can always talk my way out of anything, anytime, anywhere. Have I ever been in a fight in my 64 years? Never.

But when I see those golf videos online – you know the ones where guys are getting into fights on the golf course over the stupidest things you have ever seen, I am lucky that I am not one of those stupid guys.

You hit into someone? Yeah, let’s fight. You made some noise on someone’s backswing? Yeah, let’s go. These videos are so common they are almost a daily highlight reel on Instagram.

I have been hit into. I have hit into people. I have talked when people are swinging. All of those have been no fuss, no muss. I have always been able to talk my way out of any situation on the golf course. I have always been able to cool the situations with quick wit, self-depravation and apologies which I usually don’t mean.

But then there was this time a couple of weeks ago that I almost made one of those videos and could have been one of those Instagram idiots.

Let’s set the scene: I was playing with my friend Ivan and his kid Ben and we were on a par-4 and the second shot was a blind shot to a green. The tee box for the next hole was only a few yards from the green so that didn’t help either.

As I walked up to my ball I heard the four guys on the tee yell “hey you hit into us.” I looked at my ball and said “what are you talking about – this is my ball.” They repeated their assertion “you hit into us.” I repeated… “This is my ball – what are you talking about.”

Then I looked at my friend’s kid and could tell he had pulled his shot and it was his ball that headed toward the tee, but he had no idea since he couldn’t see the tee box or the idiots on the tee (yes I said idiots but we will get into that part soon enough).

After I hit my approach shot, they continued to ramble about being hit into. I started my usual apologies as I walked toward the green saying the shot came from the trees and he could not see you guys. That wasn’t good enough for these clowns.

Yes, idiots and clowns. Let’s dive into this a little more. Two of them wore cut off T shirts. One guy looked like a tub of goo. Another did nothing but utter four-letter words. Classy guys. And they wouldn’t stop.

My friend and his kid also tried the apology route. Didn’t work much better. We did all we could with our words and then turned toward the green to putt. Unfortunately, the tee box was only a few steps from the green so we had to hear and see them. And when we turned around the tub of goo guy was taking off his glove and walking toward us.

I had seen enough. And now I’m thinking I just might want to be part of one of those stupid ass videos!

“What are you thinking,” I yelled at the guy. “We apologized. It was an accident. Can’t you guys just hit and keep going?”

The funny thing is the kid who hit the shot is a lawyer so I was able to use one of my favorite lines. “If you guys really want to do something I hope your lawyer is better than ours because he is right here. And his dad is ready to take the video for Instagram!”

Funny thing, that stopped them in their tracks. They jumped in the carts, drove away and we didn’t have to deal with them the rest of the round.

OK now it’s your turn. I would love to hear from you if you have ever run into idiots on the golf course and tell me your stories. I will run them in an upcoming issue of Inside Golf because I think these are always entertaining. But if you were the bad guy in the story don’t bother, I only want to hear if you were the victim like we were in our story. Because there are always idiots and victims on the golf course. And you know who you are.

• Ok another question for you. When is a hole in one a real hole-in-one.

I was playing in our club’s Master’s Par-3 tournament a while back. All of the holes on the front nine were shortened. None of the holes were playing the lengths they were supposed to be and on this day, the 8th hole was supposed to be a 170-yard par-3 but was playing 87 yards.

So what happened ….

I happened to make a hole in one.

When we finished the round everyone in the clubhouse gets all excited and said I owed a round because I aced the hole.

But I said wait a minute. This was a fake hole- in-one. It wasn’t the listed yardage. It played short and wasn’t from the right tee box and the right yardage marker.

They hammered on me to buy a round. And if you know me, I’m cheap. I wasn’t about to buy a round for a fake hole in one. What do you think? I ended up buying a few because I felt guilty but I still think it’s a fake hole in one. If I’m right, I know a few folks who owe me a drink.

Steve Turcotte is editor of Inside Golf Newspaper. He can be reached at sdturcotte@comcast.net.